There is no ‘should’

I guess I should feel a certain way. I should be thinking this about that. I should go to bed earlier.
I should eat healthy, nourishing foods. I should love myself.
I should love my life. I should love my partner.

That is heavy, right? All these ‘shoulds’. All these quiet obligations. What if they are simply not true?
I love staying up late and having a glass of wine and chips. So far, so good. That is a choice.

It becomes harder when the same honesty leads to sentences like:
“I do not love my partner.”
“I do not love my life.”
Then something feels off.

But there is also something valuable in that moment. Because by then, you have allowed yourself to feel. You are no longer operating on assumptions. You are reconnected to what is actually true for you. And maybe, for the first time in a while, you start to see more clearly what you want.
And if that does not match what is—then yes, that realization hurts.

So first, be a bit more gentle with yourself.
The “shoulds” can go out the window. They are theoretical.
They are constructs of what you believe life is supposed to look like. But they are not reality.
In fact, they do not exist anywhere except in your mind.
So why hold on to them?

Instead, go searching for the “is.”
What is happening right now? What do you actually feel? Let it be there, even if it is uncomfortable, even if it does not fit the story you would prefer to tell. It is still valid. It is still information.

And then, from there: what do you want?
Not what you should want. Not what would make sense.
Not what would look good from the outside.
What do you, as you are, actually want?

And if what you have is not what you want, then the question becomes practical:
what can you do to move closer?

Is the “should” what you truly want? Probably not.
We are trained to live in certain ways, to aim for certain shapes of life, to call certain outcomes “normal” or “successful.” And for a long time, we follow that without questioning it.
But I see more and more people stepping out of that. Especially younger people.
They seem quicker to notice when something does not fit, and more willing to change it.

I admire that.
And at the same time, another “should” appears:
I should have done better. I should have seen this earlier.

Should.

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. It simply wasn’t.

And that is fine.

I forgive myself.

And from here, I am more interested in the “is”— and in what can be.

Not based on some abstract ideal,
but based on my conditions, my needs, my desires, my values—and also my limitations.