Feelings are a dangerous affair. They are also what makes life worth living.

Not feeling anymore would probably mean being dead. So why do we try so hard to avoid uncomfortable feelings — and just as much chase the good ones? Maybe the better question is: does that actually work? And does it serve us?

I spent many years of my life searching for happiness. I kept myself busy in that pursuit — and tried to push away everything that didn’t feel good. Uncomfortable feelings felt like failure. Like something was wrong with me. 

Loneliness was a close companion of mine. And the feeling of not belonging. As a child, I would come home and say: “Nobody wants to play with me. I have no friends.”

And yet, when I walked through the neighborhood, other kids would call out: “Stefanie, do you want to join?” It’s strange — how we can feel something so deeply even when reality looks different from the outside. And still, I don’t think I was entirely wrong. There may have been people around — but that didn’t mean I felt connected.

When I moved to Copenhagen to pursue my academic career, loneliness followed me. I remember picking up a small book in a bookstore: Alone but not lonely. It sat on my nightstand for years. I read it more than once. It gently tried to convince me that I was fine being alone. But the truth was: I felt lonely.

And that is something I only learned much later: There is no benefit in trying to convince yourself not to feel what you feel. In fact, things start to shift much faster when you allow the feeling to be there. Lonely. Sad. Disappointed. Nervous. Angry.

I once heard that a feeling lasts about 90 seconds. Everything that stays longer is the story we build around it. Have you ever tried to sit with a feeling — and simply observe it move through your body? Not pushing it away. Not explaining it. Just allowing it. If you have, you may have noticed: It didn’t destroy you. Quite the opposite. It made you feel alive. Human. Connected. Whole.

And something else happens too: When you allow yourself to feel the difficult emotions, you also open the door to the good ones. Joy. Excitement. Love. You feel them more fully.

And maybe most importantly: When you stop avoiding your feelings, you come closer to yourself. And that is one big step towards realizing YOU.